Let me tell you about our marriage.We’ve been married 11 years, my husband and I. Happily. Am I deluded? We were so happily married that people used to comment, “I’ve never, ever heard you complain about your husband!” “You got the last good man.” “My husband is not like your husband. Your husband is different.””Your husband is different…”
I could go on and on and give all kinds of examples of how I knew and felt my husband loved me, but that’s not the point. We both knew we had it good and marveled at how we found each other in this gamble we call life. The point: we were both absolutely positive that an affair would never rock our world.
We each have 2 children from previous marriages. We are brand-new, freshly minted empty-nesters who have been enjoying our time without the stress of teenage drama and trauma. The kids have said we are living like kids, doing what we wanted whenever we wanted. We were golden, in fact, our love was continuing to blossom beautifully, my husband recalls. Yes, we were in love and yet there was this: my husband had secrets.
After His Affair 
I am reaching out here. My husband has been the man of my drems and every woman out there. We both have been hurt in previous marriages/relationships ut what we had was perfect! I never looked at another man, never wanted to. My husband was upfront about his ED and we wlearned how to Deal with this. Then in 2013 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I am fine and was upbeat throughout it all knowing God was with me and my family. Last year I knew, just knew, something was off with us. My girls knew as did their husbands. I reached out to my husband but got I am just tired. I reached out to our pastor who then reached out to my husband and received the same response. Finally December1, 2014 I found out he was an affair with a 35 yr old. An affair as in texting, calling; her sending obscene pictures. He finally admitting he friendly hugged and kissed her goodbye at the bar where they met with fellow employees. I am now at this standstill. I love this man beyond words. But even after some counseling and learning that how long the affair was is how long the recovery is, I am tired, pissed, and…I continue to question. I hate, absolutely HATE how I feel! THIS is not me! I trusted him and now freak out in my head/heart when he is on the phone. We were doing ok tonight, sitting outside, enjoying the night, music on and all of a sudden he goes and gets his phone and starts looking at Facebook. I said really? You said none of this was my fault, you lost your connection with me and yet you can’t spend more than 20 minutes with me and not go to FB?! He rolled his eyes and that did it for me. My evening was done. No “how was your day” . I am so freaking tired…
Wow…one ordeal after another. No wonder you are tired. Even one of these things would have been a drain, but you’ve got a Trifecta going on.
First, good for you both for dealing with ED, and good for you for pressing on through breast cancer!
Your husband resisted your inquiries with the “I’m tired,” excuse. You discovered his affair in December. I’m wondering if he willingly confessed? So far, he has only admitted to texts, calls, sexual pictures and a hug and a kiss.
You are at a standstill because you are honoring your love for him, your history, your commitment. I felt exactly as you do for quite some time, it was a real imposition for me to have to recover from his affair, and I was angry that I had to face a painful recovery while I was also dealing with a newly-dignosed heart problem. Jerk.
The questions ricocheting off of the inside of your brain are going to be there for a while, so trey to relax. This is normal. I also hated how I felt, I wanted things to be the way they were supposed to be, dammit! No doubt this rocks our worlds, as it should. I get how difficult is is to know that you are melting down or compromised by his betrayal. It’s been over four years and every once in a while I get a creepy feeling about that damned phone.
My first question is, if your husband has involved himself with another woman, why is he still playing around and not rebuilding your trust? That Facebook account should be done and he should make his email accountable to you by allowing you access. The only way to rebuild trust is by him acting like a saint and carrying your pain on his shoulders for as long as it takes. Eye-rolling? Seriously? Is he twelve and you are his mother, asking him to take out the garbage?
I DONT THINK SO.
There need to be new parameters set with his electronic communications. LET’S KEEP THIS REAL: He has proven that he is not to be trusted, he has lied, he has had an affair, at least, emotional, WHICH IS STILL A BIG DEAL, and now he is continuing with his online connections instead of connecting with you and acting like YOU ARE UNREASONABLE?
You need to communicate very frankly with him, such as how I worded it above. I had a confrontation a few weeks ago with someone from my past who was pursuing me, on Facebook. Over the course of three days, he was complaining that he was disconnected from his wife, confessing his emotional involvement with other women online and then, zeroing in on me. It was positively nauseating and I gave him a screenful about it before I had my husband put him in his place with an email and blocked him.
Your husband screwed up. He screwed up with the affair, he screwed up with the lying and he is screwing up the recovery. Your recovery critically depends on his being a real man and taking all of your reactions on the chin. HE BUILT THIS MESS. He made this bed. No fair throwing it back into your lap, uh-uh.
Straight talk, baby. Is he going to do what he should or is he going to drag you along behind his horse, indefinitely?
Don’t take a shred of nonsense. He’s going to be making this up to you FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES. Let him prove how much you mean to him, starting NOW.
Bless,
Lyn
Thanks for the reply. I am the one who found out about the affairs my own. He did not completely come clean until almost 3 weeks later. Every day or so I found out something else! Then he admitted on his own about the hugs/friendly kisses. Damnit! I was supposed to be the only one! Then in January after going thru counseling , we were by our fire all was good.. Then wait. What was that on your phone? Another “friend” from work sending him pics of her new hairdo and the outfit she was going to wear that night on her date. He replied “when we go out.. I mean when you go out..” I was sick all over again, threw the phone in the fire. We have cont counseling but this is crazy! He does not and has not had contact with either of them including FB. I made sure of that. I also have complete access to all media. The counselor said if the affair was 8 months the general rule is that is how long it I’ll take to really begin recovery. It still sucks.
Yes, it does.
I have read and re-read your blog countless times . You have managed to succinctly describe every mood/emotion that I have felt and by doing so restored some sense of sanity to me . My husband surrendered himself to a list live with unfinished business and she proclaimed her availability countless times over 30 years before he finally succumbed , I would like to use aspects of your blog in the U.K. , we are so emotionally immature here and I feel it would help others
Thanks, Ann. I’m very sorry for your suffering.
I have quite a few readers from the U.K. What did you have in mind?