Well, it’s everywhere, today. Twitter is awash with incredulous remarks about Jesse James and what a selfish, egotistical moron he is. Those are my words, the other words used are pretty unappealing, anyway…love Sandra Bullock, have for a long time, see all of her movies. Funny lady, smart as ****.
My husband had not heard the news, so I filled him in. He was interested, because he likes her, too, so after a while of reading all the tweeting and seeing the question, “Why?” over and over again, I tried to pull up the information I had in my head about why men have affairs.
Since we were having a congenial evening and he had asked about the twitterstream, I went ahead and asked my husband about why men have affairs, since we know it’s not about their wives.
“I don’t know about others, but for me, it was about the ego-stroking,” he said.
So…he wasn’t getting enough attention from me?
“That’s not it. I will say that the minute she admitted that she made a mistake in dumping me (30 years ago,) I began to lose interest.”
Some other conversation ensued, a bit of Q and A, and I concluded,
“What you’re saying is that you didn’t love me enough not to cheat.”
Well, it has been a very, very quiet evening ever since. He said that although he objects to that statement, he can’t really deny it since all evidence of his behavior points to it. Before he went to sleep, if he is sleeping, he told me he is worried that I will never again believe him when he tells me he loves me.
I said something about how love appears to have limits, and he found what the limit was of his love for me. It wasn’t strong enough to carry him over the temptation of a flirty, manipulative operator of a woman…twice. Me? The only difference between him and me is that I have not yet discovered the limit of my love for him. Clearly, love is conditional.
So, now. Now do I try to love him a little less as a hedge? Make plans for the day I may be alone?
It’s not like it hurts any more, as he seems to think it doses. I have already had my heart broken and felt rejection and abandonment. This just explains it.