Explanations such as, “By the time I realized it was too late, it was too late” are not at all helpful and only cause that question mark hanging over my head get bigger and bolder. Soon, it ought to be bright neon.
I awakened to the sound of the early, early early news. It was too soon to feel a mood or cop and attitude. I sort of remember turning over and then it began to spread through me. A feeling of…what is that, anyway? The next thing I knew, I was feeling like an old, used up, washed up woman and thinking of how the OW was 10 years younger than I was. So that data which says that the women men choose for their affairs not being attractive, necessarily? Forget it. Not only was she attractive, but she was young.
So how did I, the one who steadfastly felt that this affair was not about me, slide into this spot? When I realized who the OW was, how cute she was and how young she was, well, that left a serious dent in my fender. Let’s call it a T-bone.
Not that I think I’m ugly or anything, it’s really about him “kicking” me to the curb and abandoning me and our vows for her. That I will never understand. Rather, I may understand it, but what I come to understand is always the same thing: kicked to the curb. Who does that? Who is this man?
I admit, I was in a bit of a mood when we went to bed, having just watched “The Battle Between the Sexes” on The Doctors. No doubt this was a mistake. Hearing those guys talk about women’s bodies and mocking women whose bodies change as they age, etc… was…offensive and I thought, “Is this what we women are headed for? Judged by the effects of time? How fair is that?”
Of course, then I recalled that OW was 10 years younger than I am. And so it goes.
After His Affair 
This would be crushing. Even a woman with the highest self-confidence and self-esteem would be crushed and it is only natural that you feel “kicked to the curb. I had a roommate whose husband cheated on her with a younger woman. My roommate was not unattractive in the least. The normal changes that come with gravity, time and pregnancy had occurred but I always thought she was beautiful. She cried and cried and cried for nights on end and told me once that being cheated on makes you question so much of your life and what it was comprised of ~ everything about you and your marriage.
His behavior isn’t a reflection of you, a lack of beauty or wholeness. It is a reflection of the person he chose to be in that moment.
So true, Amy. We’ve talked about this the past few days. Hopefully I will have time to write about it, later.
I don’t think OW’s age matters. It still leaves deep wounds that no words can accurately describe to someone who hasn’t experienced it. “Crushing” doesn’t even come close.
Years on you still get triggers, that make you replay your rewritten and damaged memories.
I totally get it. The OW in my 14+ year relationship is 11 years younger, 40 is waaaay different than 51. She started out larger than me, kinda bbw, then lost 100 lbs as she ‘attracted’ my man. It actually irks me that she has a better body than me now too. She portrayed herself as my friend, compounding my…well…jealousy. Whew, that was hard to say!
Its only been three weeks.
What I don’t get is the OW my husband got involved with and had an EA which I think he is still in contact with is so much like me it is unreal! Same age, height, hair color, length, eye color, voice, lack of coordination, differences though are she is thinner than I but hasn’t always been infact he told me that she used to weight 280Lbs. I run around 170 and at 50years old it is the biggest I’ve ever been. She is also very much a “damsel in distress” type whereas I am not. Part of my husbands psyche is that he does love to play the hero and help others. She is unemployed, has a serious mental illness which she doesn’t always medicate for. She is very manipulative although he thinks she is sweet …But the similarities between us are so striking that those that he made his A known too also commented on them…I think she is just a more F#&*#d up version of me…..I really don’t get it…..after being together for 13 years and I always thought that the possibility of him having a one night stand sometime existed but I never dreamed he would get emotionally involved with someone else but he has. But has he? It almost seems like rather than him actually having feeling for her she is somehow getting him to confuse his feelings for me as being for her. He says he wants our marriage and wants us to work through it and he knows that we can’t do that as long as there is any contact with her. He breaks it off with her and does so right in front of me. She won’t leave him alone…..and tries every tactic to get him to interact with her. I have at his request contacted her and told her to leave him alone….but she doesn’t respond to me…..she turns to him and tries act like she is persecuted…..somehow I can see him pulled into her reality that makes no sense…..I don’t want to give up on him…..I know he is responsible for his own choices but I also believe that she set a trap for him. He told me that at first she promised him just fun and games and no drama or strings…..he damn him for it being just past 50 himself was vulnerable in wanting to validate his own desirableness. I know he didn’t think he would get caught…until he felt guilty and confessed it to me like he does everything else…..he said he didn’t know what happened but he had developed feelings for her. All of this took place right after we found out that he had cancer and we both were scared that he was going to die. My focus was on getting him through all the treatments and getting him healthy….I suppose I wasn’t focused on all of his needs….everything is sooo complicated….but I do know that he loves me and I do love him…..I get so confused because I understand him so well…..and can actually see how it all happened in retrospect….no I don’t want to relieve him of his responsibility in this but I do think that she met both of us at the same time together and knew he was married. She immediately went after him…..like that day! This whole thing sucks! I really place more blame on her….maybe I am not right….
Nancy,
My friend who works with married couples has told me, more than once, that my husband was less to blame than the woman was. It took me quite a while to come over to that line of thinking, but. the more I learned, the more I saw that there was truth to this. The OW was the one who orchestrated everything, including the seduction of his imagination.
If you and your husband have been dealing with all of the emotional chaos this woman has caused and he still thinks she is sweet? Excuse me? If he thinks that defending a woman who is psychopath enough to interfere in another couple’s marriage and go after your husband, he needs his head examined.
I’ll be brief. Managing this situation is up to him. You can call, try to reason with a manipulative witch who loves to make you look bad, etc. but the bottom line is that he needs to break all contact with her which includes NOT ANSWERING HER PHONE CALLS OR EMAILS. All avenues of approach need to be blocked and if he doesn’t do this then, clearly he doesn’t want to. At that point, it is up to you to decide what you are willing to live with. Personally, if it were me, after all of this? He’d be looking for a place to live. Afraid he’ll go to her? Being with a mentally ill person is no picnic and the sooner he sees her full act, the better…unless he is mentally ill, himself.
The bottom line? Actions speak louder than words. If she is not leaving him alone, he has not done enough to see that she does. He gets pulled into her reality because he lets himself. I don’t care what his reasons or justifications are for having some fun on the side, he is disrespecting you, and in fact, rubbing your nose in his infatuation, as I see it. He may be feeling sorry for himself over his cancer diagnosis and felt he needed a little “treat.” With such a crisis going on, how are you supposed to focus on ALL of his needs, this is real life, and in real life there are sacrifices. It seems like you are the one making them all.
He needs to prove his love to you.
Best,
Lyn