He’s sad, today. Last night he wanted to hold me and kiss me and be close, but this morning, he was remote.
Maybe it was because I brought up something he didn’t want to discuss, namely, some things said during yesterday morning’s argument. Yesterday morning, I said to him as he walked past me the third time,
“You’ve stopped kissing me.” He told me he had tried to kiss me the previous morning and that I was cold. Then he took a couple of things I said yesterday, spun them a little and made some snippy remarks, so I removed myself from the kitchen, but as I did, I said, “Well. If this is the way you want to go about it.”
Then he shouted at me that this was not the way he wanted to go about it, that I was making it this way. Is every man in the world the same? I didn’t think so. Now, I am kind of….stunned.
So, I sat on the sofa with my blanket and coffee (very cold, lots of snow) and read a new book I’d just gotten on illustration, which made me happy for 3 minutes. He came and sat next to me and was silent for a very long time. He asked me a couple of questions and I answered as carefully as I could. Maybe I can remember them, eventually. I do remember saying that if he didn’t respect me that there probably was not a lot I could do about that and that he would have to deal with the whys of it.
He was silent a long time and then stood up abruptly and began to put his coat on. I asked him if he had anything to say to me and he said no, because he didn’t want to fight.
I’m thinking…fight? What is there to fight about? He broke my heart.
He accused me of this and that and how everything had to be my way or things were miserable, etc. I told him that it wasn’t true, he knows it and the fact of the matter is that he’s willing to float along beside me while I cope with deep emotional pain, but he’s not willing to keep a promise he made to me. More accusations from him and I said, “Hey, I am not the one who stomped all over your heart and looked up the old girlfriend even though you knew I would object and then?”
He said some other mean things and I told him I was not going to be pushed around by him and if he was as miserable with me as he is saying, then perhaps he should make arrangements to live somewhere else. He yelled at me some more, listing the things which are wrong with me and I made some remark about how he is no different than a previous husband. Okay, I know that wasn’t necessary. It was like a hatchet to the back of the head, actually because he shouted even more and when I tried to talk he said, “Shut UP, shut UP, shut UP, shut UP, shut UP!!” I told him I didn’t intend to put up with any bullying and he flipped and told me that I am the bully.
Then he left. A couple hours later he called and apologized and said he did love me and want to stay with me. He came home and sequestered himself in the bedroom all evening until I came to bed and he was…warm.
This morning, I did what I am best at and annoyed him yet again because he answered that he didn’t want to discuss it and that there were just certain things in our marriage we cannot talk about. He’s been saying this for years. True, a discussion which turns into an argument with him gets very nasty, very fast, which is why I have avoided conflict and confrontation for longer than I can remember. He asked me if I didn’t think that I fight dirty, too. I have to admit, yesterday, when I felt I had nothing to lose (probably,) and shared my thought on all husbands being the same, it was a low blow. It is how I felt, since the same words were coming out of his mouth. I shouldn’t have said it, I did, he is deeply wounded and distant, now, and I can chase after him and try to comfort him or I can leave him to give some thought to my suggestion that we need to learn how to handle conflict.
I’ve been reading along now…saw you were following me on Twitter so I wanted to check you out. :-) It’s heart-wrenching to read through your pain. I can’t imagine having these kinds of conversations with my husband after my affair. I would not have survived. Men and women are so different in how we react to things. I don’t know how the story ends-I’m not there yet. But I will keep reading. I know it’s been, what, almost 3 years now? It’s hard to not skip ahead to the end, but I will keep reading…
We are together!