“Whatever you are thinking about me I deserve,” said my husband, today.  Again.

Spent a lot of the day curled up on my side on the bed.  Wish I could pick a mood and stick with it, but once I think I have my feelings under control and that I understand the whole mess, I find myself resentful of one thing or another. Five days after I learned of the affair, I could think of nothing else and while waiting for an elevator, thought of how much I’d love to slap his face.  The next day, I hated him.  That was the same day Marilyn pointed out to me that any information I had came exclusively through him and he was controlling the entire situation.  We discussed this, but he didn’t seem to see much of a problem until a few days later when I pointed out that his reluctance to share information with me kept the affair alive: he was protecting the affair rather than protecting me, so the liaison still existed.

I don’t like being around others, for the most part.  The truth is, on the days I feel strong, I am okay, but on the days I feel shaky, I am afraid I will burst into tears and sob uncontrollably because…I haven’t really cried, yet.  A little, here and there, mostly just a few slow tears, but if I follow the pattern of grieving I took when my mother died, I am due sooner or later for a very embarrassing show of profound, gut-wrenching grief.  I don’t trust myself, especially with groups of people and since I do not feel confident that I can control or predict the possibility of a major meltdown, I would just rather stay home.