The Dilemma, Case Closed?


I feel like a slacker not having updated since I wrote “A Dilemma.” That dilemma was such a major part of my life throughout much of the past 6 months, a giant wall between myself and other people.  You’d think that when it was resolved, I’d make note of it, however, I did not.  There have been some significant changes since The Dilemma, which became a major turning point.

After posting A Dilemma, a conversation took place and I told my husband my feelings.  I didn’t think this would go well, since when we’d been in conflict over his reluctance to follow through in telling someone,  he’d resignedly said, “You want me to tell my family, don’t you?”

In a mean way, I did, but in actuality, I did not.  Everyone had been through so much, recently and it wouldn’t go over well in this highly conservative family.  That said, I think I wanted a couple of people in the family to judge and thereby punish him, since I felt ineffectual and maybe even just didn’t have the guts to exact any revenge.

So, no, I didn’t want to rock the boat full of wounded people, but I wanted something.  In addition to slapping him, that is, which I never did do.  Maybe I was fed up with behaving myself and taking it “well” which did nothing more, really, than to extend the period of suspended animation from the shock of it all.  Being stoic didn’t help anything, it only postponed the crash, and when I crashed, I crashed hard.

March and April were very painful.  That would have been a year after things were getting hot and heavy with the two of them, ironically.  It’s kind of a blur, now, but the mood swings were more frequent, I began to cry, routinely and I felt angrier and angrier. Finally, I was blocked by The Dilemma.  Was I ever going to get a break?  Please? God? Are you listening? Do you even care?  I’m overwhelmed, here.

I needed something.  I wanted something.  We spoke briefly about The Dilemma, and to my disbelief, my husband said, “If it is going to help you to get through this, then I will tell my family.”

The storm abruptly drew to a close.  This was something very big.  I was positively certain that never, ever would he tell his family, either under duress or voluntarily, so this was more than huge.  Apparently, I thought him shallow or selfish or arrogant, a lover of himself, first and me?  Well.  After all I’d been through, I wasn’t always sure where I stood, being such a wreck.

He assured me that he loved me and most of all wanted me, us to recover fully from what he’d done and if he confessing to his family was going to do something for us, he would do it.  Immediately.

I sat in our room for a few minutes and imagined how things would be.  I wasn’t satisfied.  Sure, I’d like to see his **** kicked, but most of all, I didn’t want my father-in-law to suffer the disappointment I knew he would, a hard blow.  I didn’t want any of the other in-laws I was close to seeing him and treating him any differently, the very same reason my brothers would never know, because I wanted there to be life after the affair, life without broken bits of trust and respect in our wake.  I wanted life to go on without any shackles.

I told him that the fact that he was willing to do it for me meant that he didn’t have to.  I had learned something important, for one, how far he had come, my husband, in taking ownership of….my suffering?  I’m not sure if that is it, but it sort of feels like it.  In addition, the fact that he was willing to tell them proved how important I was to him.  I didn’t need someone else to be upset with him to make me feel worthy of defense: he was doing it

It’s been about six weeks or so since this happened and since then, life has been very different.  I hardly think about the affair.  As I moved into this new place, of not living with the affair on my mind or heart every waking moment, I realized that he was thinking about the affair more than I was.  Eventually, I began to feel that I didn’t want him to suffer anymore.  That said, I don’t have control over what he is taking himself to task for.

There are still moments, but they are fewer and have less punch.  It seems we have indeed, inched into a sort of “normal.”

This entry was posted in Behavior, Family, Revenge, Telling others. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to The Dilemma, Case Closed?

  1. Glo says:

    That is soooo awesome!! May you two spend many more happy years together!!

  2. BuckeyeWife says:

    Your story gives me hope because my story is similar in many ways. I totally understand this idea that I would like someone else to know what he really did, someone to tell him how wrong that was. But, I don’t want that person judging me for staying or looking at him in a different way after we have worked things out.

    We camped with friends this weekend. We have done it for years with the same group of friends. I just felt fake. Everyone smiling and talking, and we look just like we always looked. Only I feel so differently now. He stole something precious from me when he chose to be with another woman. I hate that!

    I wonder if I am that stoic woman too. I haven’t been angry with him very much at all. There were a couple times when I told him that the fury I felt was unbelievable, but for the most part, I’ve dealt with the anger on my own. I am still riding the emotional rollercoaster. I am ready to get off that ride.

    Like your husband, mine seems willing to do absolutely anything to make things right. That makes things so much better! I am happy for you, and I hope things continue to get better and better!!

    • Lyn says:

      Sounds like you may be stoic and it is okay to express your anger to him, I was just careful not to say or do anything which I felt would make things worse, but then, what is worse than a broken heart, broken by the one you love and trusted?

      You are entitled to your anger and as my husband said to me, repeatedly, I didn’t need to apologize for being angry, I wasn’t doing anything wrong, he deserved everything I thought and felt about him. I did require him to tell a friend who he now meets with, regularly.

      Feel what you need to and deal as you must. It’s healthy.

  3. StrongerMe says:

    I suffered the blows of more than one betrayal. The second discovery was the infidelity, but by then our marriage was ending. I still went through all of those terrible things like, “what does she have that I don’t,” but because he wanted a life with her, my thoughts were less about what he could do to make up for it, and more about what I could do to change his mind.
    I felt those other feelings after the first betrayal, when I found out that he had a secret gambling problem FOR YEARS and we lost EVERYTHING. That was when life as we knew it ended. I kept waiting for him to say something or do something to show he meant the words, “I’ll do whatever it takes to make up for this.”
    He never did.

  4. Lyn says:

    I’m so sorry. How devastating. I was married, previously; similar situation. Just sickening.

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