On the days reality bites like a cold mackerel across the face, or better yet, the sting of a hard slap on a wet behind and I feel a little hatred for my husband, I tell someone else. This is only slightly therapeutic since I have a couple of guidelines: I only tell people who will not be judgmental or totally disillusioned, or, feel the need to inflict pain on Husband on my behalf. This means no one in his family and none of the males in mine.
I so appreciate the loyalty of one of my friends, who said he was shocked and didn’t hold back one bit with his assessment of the husband’s behavior. He thought Husband and I were soul mates. Check: so did I. While my friend might seem unusually provincial for the creative musical soul that he is, it’s one of the many things I love about him. I sometimes need to hear these things to shake me loose from my normal tack, which my husband has told me is gentle, kind and one which challenges condemnation. He also said I was very consistent in who I am. That no longer feels true.
My problem is, on a morning like this where I actually had slightly wet eyes and a red nose for 2 1/2 hours, I realize that I am running out of benign people to tell. I can’t tell anyone in his family. Not only have we just lost my mother-in-law, but our family is extremely conservative Baptist on that side. I don’t want the cordial balance in our relationships to be upset, and let’s be honest: cause me to feel guilty, later on. I don’t want most of my relatives to know for similar reasons…it wouldn’t offend them and disappoint them in the way it would his family, however…it would change the dynamic of relationships which would then affect me.
So, I blog and try not to dwell on what is wrinkling my karma, today.
I know this is 2-1/2 years ago but I’ve just found your blog and I’m reading it from the beginning. Every entry touches my heart and tugs at my soul. We are only 6 months into our rebuilding and yet I almost feel like its been years, we’ve come so far. Realising I’m not the only one who feels these exact feelings is somehow reassuring and nurturing. I too have not shared this with many people for fear of what the relationships might be down the road. We’re doing the hard work now and will be better than ever. Other people can never understand the steps we’ve taken toward forgiveness. Thank you again.
Thank you for your kindness, Cheryl. I am happy for your victory!
I, too, I have only now found your blog and am also touched by your honesty. And envious of your writing style. You have a lovely way with words and a gentle soul, two traits which I respect immensely.
Thank you, Karen. You are very kind!
My husband and I have learned that there is SO MUCH HEALING in telling others your story. Granted, if you are still in a place of anger and bitterness, it may not be as effective…but if you are both willing to fight and make it work, sharing your story with others can not only encourage them in their struggles, but maybe allow them to open up about what is going on in their lives. I am adamant that we need to be transparent to have real, lasting relationships with people.