Men are very different than women, no doubt about that. Whereas, being happily married has been enough of a deterrent to temptation for myself, never mind any moral arguments, it was not enough for my husband, the same one who doted on me. This puzzles me and any way I hack into it, I can’t get an answer that I like.
I mean, at first was the element of the “lost love” thing that Dr. Nancy Kalish warns of. Specifically, she says that if either party is married and contacts the Lost Love that they had better be prepared to divorce the spouse that they are currently happily married to. She talks about the power of an early love, how people become “imprinted” on their adolescent love and nothing ever truly erases that experience. Throw in a couple of years of sexually active teenage-ism and a painful dumping by the girl who then went off to sow her wild oats among the other HS boys and you have the perfect recipe for unfinished business. This, I get. So when my H told me that he they had
“connected on Facebook and began corresponding; it turned romantic…” here is (again) where I interrupted him with an incredulous,
“Did you have an affair?” following his “Yes” with “What is her name?” then, “Is this the one who was your High School girlfriend?”
I could not believe it, but when he said yes, I knew it was true. Unfinished business and all that. I felt it all through me except for one place. My head.
I was stunned. It was the absolute last thing I expected. I’d been married before and so had he. The marriage we have is different than those marriages, in a number of ways, and it’s something we hear about from those who’ve known us over the years. We are very much a couple. People remark on our love and devotion for one another, how much fun we are together, how much fun we have together. I didn’t think I’d get married again, but I married my husband because I was compelled to. I knew I couldn’t not marry him, and although we have had struggles and issues, we have been one anothers’ best friends, to the exclusion of others. Friendships have faded or fallen away because we wanted more than anything else to be with one another.
It boggles the mind, but even during the affair, were were still close and enjoying one anothers’ company. On our weekend at a B&B in May, we had a wonderful time. Our vacation in the mountains in July…a relaxing, harmonious, quiet week. Intimacy has never been in short supply, and so I wonder, how in the world I did not pick up on the presence of another woman? The physical part of the affair was over, but he was receiving email from her until the day the affair was discovered. Had my intuition died?
When we talked about the Facebook connection, I told my husband that he should have discussed his interest in “friending” her, first. Why? Because I have thought of friending old loves, but knew that those were doors which needed to remain closed. I didn’t need for a guy I’d been attracted to be re-capturing my imagination and keeping my attention from the one who deserved it.
My husband answered that he didn’t tell me about friending her because he knew what I would say, essentially, that it was a very bad idea.
Then why do it?
“Because I thought you would be thinking…being unreasonable.”
“Unreasonable. I wasn’t so unreasonable, was I?”
“No. No, you were not.”
It seems like time passed, or my memory is jumping around from one place to the next over the past 2 1/2 months. Just how did it turn from friendning to a full-blown affair?
“It was the “Perfect Storm,” he explained. “the person,the past, the emotion…” and then proceeded to tell me about Dr. Nancy Kalish and her work in the area of “lost loves.”
Then, maybe because I wasn’t screaming or slapping him, he mistook my seeming calm for…calm and he said,
“I decided after I shredded the letters, that you deserved the dignity of knowing.”
Are you kidding me?
“The dignity of knowing? The only reason you told me anything is because you got caught. Don’t try to make yourself my hero.”