It happens every couple of weeks, when things get feeling a little too “back to normal” and it begins to feel like I am doing all of the heavy lifting in marriage recovery. You know, the reading, the reflection, the whatever it is I have to do to FIX MYSELF so I am no longer troubled by the permanent memory of my husband throwing his marriage vows “under the bus,” as the OW likes to say.
Anyway. I was annoyed because there has been a distinct lack of effort in a couple of areas and I am trying to be patient waiting to get into the counselor whose list we are on. Not doing so well with triggers, but they call them triggers for a reason.
Okay, I admit it. I went to her Facebook page. I’ve been there, before, and she had a sweet picture of herself with her young son. A wholesome-looking picture. Now she has a picture of herself at some event in a fancy dress displaying cleavage and her wall is out there for all to see.
So, I read through her posts, all the way back to Dec. 12th, which is around the time I discovered the affair with the assistance of her husband. The posts end, there. The posts that are there, however, are totally all about her, how wonderful she is on all of the tests she takes, how normal and fabulous, maybe not in those words, but she is definitely self-congratulatory and dare I say, narcissistic.
Harsh word, but get this: Back when the “courtship” was in bloom, she called him on the phone.
“I’d like to come up for a few days, get a room and make myself available to you.”
This blew my mind, and it also blew his, and even further, she told him she was TELLING HER HUSBAND WHAT SHE WAS GOING TO BE DOING.
That particular plan never materialized, but I believe it blew the door to his conscience off of the hinges and made the step of meeting with her much easier.
Why am I writing about this?
‘Cuz.
Oh. And she has removed the information that she is married and the link to her husband’s Facebook is gone. She is looking for “friendship.”
After His Affair 
I had already worked out the affair, but it was confirmed for me on valentines day, on facebook:-
TwiddleDick at 2:50pm February 14
Its so good to smile…..as life moves forward..
TwinkleTwat at 2:56pm February 14
Yip … life just keeps on getting better …
TwiddleDick at 3:00pm February 14
Its almost hard to believe….at times…
This was just after he moved out to, “find himself” and “may or may not be coming back”. So I gave him space…
To date, I still wan’t to puke from the pain of this memory!
After that they started sharing underwear and other intimate things on facebook while HE WAS STILL MARRIED TO ME!
Then after he asked for divorce, after several sessions of lying to my face and gaslighting, he got upset when I changed my status to single!
Twilight zone, anyone? ANYONE?
You’re right. It’s cathartic getting it out and actually, I’d already confirmed the affair, second hand, from HIS MOUTH. But there you go.
The down sides of social media.
I am so grateful for your website right now I just found out about two weeks ago that my husband is having an affair with his employee. Back in December he said it was just innocent flirting an he would stop. During this time we have made love, talked about our future and went through a serious injury with our two year old. I had this messed up intuitions before that I could not get this girl out of my mind then one night in the middle of the night I woke up and I just had to check her Facebook page and there it was my husband created a fake fb page and told this girl he loved her in fricken finish. I was just beside myself. I freaked out. That night he told me he did not love me anymore. He once again said it was just flirting an that she made him feel good A few nights pass and I still ha this feelin and somehow I got in his account, his fake one, and saw the conversation back an forth about how he likes the smell of her skin and how she can’t go a week with out him and this and that. I just want to puke thinking about it. The kicker she is only fricken 19 with a baby. He is 39. 20 years different. I hate Facebook I hate women that can’t keep away from the taken ones and I hate him for doin this to us. I hate what I am becoming. He says he wants to work it out because of our child but won’t give me any details. But honestly I have no idea what to do. Since finding out we have sold our house and decided to rent since a purchase would seem crazy right now but he talks to me about how we will get a new house and another dog some day. I just want to hit him over the head. He whines about having to rent. Well if you didn’t go screw your employee we may have a house by now. He has know remorse for it. He feels he did nothing wrong. I have no idea why I am with him. Why am I waitig for him to make all the decisions. I feel he should be kissing my ass right now but he is not.
Sorry just had to vent since I feel so alone right now and I find comfort in your blog. Thank you!
Wow! Waiting for him to make the decisions, I think is your way of slowing things down…I think you are wise not to make any decisions about splitting, at the moment…that said, he should not be “in charge” when he is having his cake, eating it too and whining about how unfair life is because he is not owning the consequences of his actions.
If it were me:
If you want to stay together and work on our marriage, you must prove sincerity by breaking off the affair, closing all FB accounts and proving it. Don’t let him get away with anything and when he whines about your living situation, be clear where the responsibility lies…if you haven;t already. He is acting like a 2 year old because, why not? HE HAS IT ALL.
If he refuses to behave honorably and like a grown man who cares about his family…let’s just say my patience would be stretched very, very thin…to the breaking point. I’d probably be quickly fed up, pack his stuff and leave it on the front steps.
If you can get counselling, it’s a good idea…someone impartial to help you wade through the rage and make sound decisions. There is also the Talk About Marriage forum at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/.
I’m a believer of an affair not being a deal-breaker in marriage, but, you have to demonstrate to him your respect for yourself and refuse to let him treat you as though your feelings don’t matter. HE MARRIED YOU. That MEANS something, unless he has lost his mind, which, frankly, I am beginning to think is the case with some who risk their marriages for some fleeting excitement.
Best,
L