“One’s best success comes after their greatest disappointments.” ~ Henry Ward Beecher.
I don’t remember who the **** Henry Ward Beecher is, but, really? Really, Henry Ward Beecher? Because if I decide to believe this, and I have no success? I had better to be able to find where you live on Zabasearch, Henry.
After 3 and 1/2 hours of fitful sleep full of bad dreams about winding up at my father’s house where my brother pressures me to tell all, not to mention a gut-wrenching appearance in the dream by one of the psycho-sisters, where one husband morphed into another husband whom I ended up kicking out and then I was there, with no car, stuck with my family all staring at me, waiting for me to spill my guts. Before I was going to fall down so one or two could kick me, obviously.
I tell you. Even in my dreams, no rest.
Yes, it’s been excruciating and although I have had some superior people to lean on…the ones I love are not in the know and it makes me feel isolated. I’ve had a lot of trouble with back spasm right between my shoulder blades, due to stress and I am just plain angry. I mean, what is God thinking? Never mind all the pain and agony of trying to navigate naivete, stupidity and betrayal. God? Hello? Heart thing? Could you call back the dogs so that I am not wondering if this is going to kill me? Because I really am. Wondering, that is. I truly do not know how I have managed. I mean, shock was helpful at allowing me not to feel much at all, for a while, then denial took over and spent a good month with me. Then came February. February was hard. Then, February was followed by March, as usual, and unfortunately, since it has been a particularly painful month.
My problems have problems and I am just realizing how I try to make everything okay for everyone else, but not very often, myself. I thought I grew up and out of that, but apparently, this is my default behavior. Because I am so pent up and am afraid I will burst at any second, I am still avoiding mostly everyone I know as much as possible. I can almost tolerate folks asking me how I am without hyperventilating. I’d like to have my kids around me, but they will not let me get away with keeping anything from them, they always know when things are wrong and if I tell them, they will probably end up hating their stepfather and then…what kind of a family am I going to have left? My in-laws, whom I was so close to and finally beginning, through them, to understand what it is like to be loved as a sibling and daughter…well, I can’t be around them because I am keeping my husband’s secrets in an effort not to cause more stress in his extremely conservative family. It feels like my husband has ruined my life. The one I’ve been living, anyway. I wonder what From Now On will look like?