From Now On?

Someone tweeted,

“One’s best success comes after their greatest disappointments.”  ~ Henry Ward Beecher.

I don’t remember who the **** Henry Ward Beecher is, but, really?  Really, Henry Ward Beecher?  Because if I decide to believe this, and I have no success?  I had better to be able to find where you live on Zabasearch, Henry.

After 3 and 1/2 hours of fitful sleep full of bad dreams about winding up at my father’s house where my brother pressures me to tell all, not to mention a gut-wrenching appearance in the dream by one of the psycho-sisters, where one husband morphed into another husband whom I ended up kicking out and then I was there, with no car, stuck with my family all staring at me, waiting for me to spill my guts.  Before I was going to fall down so one or two could kick me, obviously.

I tell you.  Even in my dreams, no rest.

Yes, it’s been excruciating and although I have had some superior people to lean on…the ones I love are not in the know and it makes me feel isolated.  I’ve had a lot of trouble with back spasm right between my shoulder blades, due to stress and I am just plain angry.  I mean, what is God thinking?  Never mind all the pain and agony of trying to navigate naivete, stupidity and betrayal.  God?  Hello?  Heart thing?  Could you call back the dogs so that I am not wondering if this is going to kill me?  Because I really am.  Wondering, that is.  I truly do not know how I have managed.  I mean, shock was helpful at allowing me not to feel much at all, for a while, then denial took over and spent a good month with me. Then came February.  February was hard.  Then, February was followed by March, as usual, and unfortunately, since it has been a particularly painful month.

My problems have problems and I am just realizing how I try to make everything okay for everyone else, but not very often, myself. I thought I grew up and out of that, but apparently, this is my default behavior.  Because I am so pent up and am afraid I will burst at any second, I am still avoiding mostly everyone I know as much as possible.  I can almost tolerate folks asking me how I am without hyperventilating.  I’d like to have my kids around me, but they will not let me get away with keeping anything from them, they always know when things are wrong and if I tell them, they will probably end up hating their stepfather and then…what kind of a family am I going to have left?  My in-laws, whom I was so close to and finally beginning, through them, to understand what it is like to be loved as a sibling and daughter…well, I can’t be around them because I am keeping my husband’s secrets in an effort not to cause more stress in his extremely conservative family. It feels like my husband has ruined my life.  The one I’ve been living, anyway.  I wonder what From Now On will look like?


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This entry was posted in Affair, Anger, Betrayal, Discontent, Emotions, Grief, Our marriage, Reactions, Secrets. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to From Now On?

  1. Buckeyewife says:

    I am suffering since finding out my husband was also unfaithful. I had always said that cheating was a dealbreaker. When I found out though, I wanted to stay together. My emotions have been a rollercoaster since I found out in January. My husband knows that he needs to check in now. If I want a detailed explanation of everywhere he goes, I get one. I don’t understand why they wouldn’t expect that.

    I read all of your posts tonight, and it is helpful to know that someone else feels similarly to the way I feel.

    It’s unbelievable how much it hurts. It also makes no sense to me that he never wanted to leave me, never wanted a future with her. He just never thought he’d get caught. I hate the new truths I have to face. He isn’t who I thought he was. My marriage isn’t untouchable. We were a couple like you two…everyone thought we were right for each other and happy. I look forward to reading more of your story.

  2. Jamie Iomo says:

    Good evening

    Can I link to this post please?

  3. Jen says:

    Lyn and Buckeyewife,

    Friends around us also think we are the model couple for them. I too found out abt my husband infidelity Oct 2010. I insisted he break off with her thru the phone infront of me on the same day I found out,which he did but with difficulty bcos he cant bear to break her heart since this will be her 2nd break up this year.

    He had been seeing her since Apr. He slept with her once only but that didnt make the pain lesser. Six months of lies and dishonesty is enough to make my life go up and down for the last two months. How could I be so blind? All the gifts receipts and credit card bills which were right before my eyes, I couldnt see…..because I trusted him so much and I never ask.

    I too decided to stay together but i dont know if I can make it. The emotion roller coaster is very real and scary.

    During Christmas, it pains so much within me that I hv to keep this secret from my sisters and closed friends. I hv another new yr dinner coming which all my close friends will be there and I just hope that I dont break down and cry.

    what i thought was my best year turn out to be my worst nightmare.

    • Lyn says:

      Jen,

      I so know how you feel. If you feel you need to tell any close to you, I advise that you choose ppl who will not be judgmental and demand that you do something, will blame you, and run your husband down. Peggy Vaughan talks about the damage of keeping secrets and trying to absorb all of the shock and reverb from the affair is way too much for anyone to have to keep secret.

      It’s been a year for me and we recently went and saw my brother and sister-in-law. I cried for a week, afterward. It’s a lot of pressure. A lot of pain.

      Lyn

  4. StrongerMe says:

    “…my problems have problems…” Love that line.
    I remember feeling like my life was over. And in a huge way, it was. I thought I was in love with someone that would never lie to me. Someone that was always on my side to protect me and never hurt me.
    Those beliefs (dreams) were gone. It felt like everything that I had known to be true was false. I had to learn to live in a new reality that included lies and betrayal. And I was alone in it. The person that I relied on for support couldn’t help me. He had done it.

  5. Meg says:

    Henry Ward Beecher was a liberal protestant preacher, abolitionist, supporter of womens suffrage and evolution and a crusader for social justice. And, oh yeah, the focal point of a sensational 1874 adultery trial. Men. https://www.nytimes.com/books/00/01/30/reviews/000130.30donaldt.html

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