Crashing and Burning

Long, long, long day.  There is a little conflict here on why I don’t feel so well after not knowing where he was for a few hours and he is upset that I have the nerve to be upset and so when he was indignant, I told him he had no business being indignant since his commitment was to work on rebuilding trust and hours of unaccounted time, when you have committed to rebuilding trust, does not rebuild trust.

I’m not being petty.  Trust me on this.

Anyway, Things have gone from bad to worse and it finally came out that I’m not feeling so relevant, anymore.  Actually,  I haven’t been feeling very relevant for some time but I thought if I just ignored it and worked on being…hopeful? that it would go away, but…I just feel like more of a doormat than I ever did.  Which is not to say that I really felt like a doormat since married to him, but, if I think about it, there are a number of things that I have been kind of been forced to live with.

Ironic.  He is now in our room not speaking to me because I have not been honest with him about how depressed I am and he doesn’t know what to make of all of this.  I really don’t have a lot of patience, right now.  I guess I am under a microscope because maybe I am wrinkling the karma?  I guess that’s easier than looking at one’s own contribution to despair.  It’s also ironic that just when I was really thinking that love is good, I discover the affair and my world turns to crap.

He’s indignant over my reaction, which, at first, was annoyance, but escalated when I sensed his attitude was off-kilter.  He was snippy, which is his arguing style.  He was snippy with me and I became furious, which is not my arguing style and he didn’t care for my response to his snippiness, so there was more snippy stuff and then I was angrier and basically told him for someone who is supposed to be trying to atone for his actions, he is being, I actually said it: stupid.  He was furious.

At one point he showed me receipts which indicated where he was at certain times, but not all of the time could be accounted for and ..3 hours?  With no communication to me about it before or during?  And he had to drive right past her family home, where she has been on other occasions when we drive past, to get to his dad’s?

I don’t think he saw her, if he wants to stay married, but the point is, he screwed up and then he reacted badly and I am the “inappropriate” one. It is a step forward, a step back or sometimes two forward, one back or vice versa.  I don’t understand why he is so surprised with how crummy I feel.  It all finally evolved into that he has to watch me suffer and know that it is all of his fault.  He thought things were getting better.  Well, yes, they were, but they are also bad, too.

Something which came out is that I am having difficulty dealing with the fact that he was unhappy and had an affair.  This was right after my cast had been taken off and I was finally walking without one, etc.  Things were torture with the last teenager. I’m very disappointed that when the going got tough, he got going.  I question everything I thought I knew about the past 15 years.

He acts like he is too good to have someone melt down on him, never mind HIS meltdowns. I told him tonight that I feel that I have been incredibly understanding, for the most part…’til today I had not even raised my voice. He is ****ed lucky that I am who I am and been calm, patient and tolerant even though he broke my heart and turned my life into a nightmare.  Just for the record, he doesn’t deserve me and I am a lot more special than he obviously is aware of.

Eventually, he said some other things, but I don’t feel sorry for him.  My feeling is that the appropriate attitude is one of humility and contrition, which he claims he is…which may be, but during the conflict, it was noticeable and disappointing in its absence.  He told me I am allowed to feel what I want to but he doesn’t have to subject himself to what I have to say.  I tell him that if he wants to be married than he ****ed well better be concerned with what I have to say since he can walk away from and argument, but I cannot walk away from his affair, I live with it all day, every day until I adapt to my new reality, and even then.

Apparently, I’m supposed to be like Mother Teresa every DAY and in every circumstance.  Sorry that I am inconveniently human.

He’s upset that I told him that I feel irrelevant.  Insulted that I have the nerve to indicate that I don’t feel like I matter.  Oh, well.  But he wants me to be honest.  But not too honest,  Not honest enough that it makes him feel bad about himself, I guess, so I guess I am responsible now, for how he feels?  Backwards.

I told him that if we went to counseling (on a waiting list) he wasn’t going to like it one bit, because things get pretty intense in a situation where there has been an affair.  Then he was miffed that I was suggesting that he couldn’t cut it, but the truth is, I don’t think he can.  I’d like to be surprised.

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