Finally came to a peace agreement around noon, Sunday, if you can call it that. Maybe we were too exhausted to go on. He was sorry, we talked some more and he eventually came to the conclusion that I misunderstood something he told me a couple of weeks ago when I asked him why men cheat (see Sandra Bullock and My Defining Moment.)
He said that he thinks it was a mistake to try to figure out why because since then, I have been torturing myself with thoughts of his weakness and inability to keep a commitment, which translates to “This can happen again, at any moment.”
That is so very true. I have found my thoughts wandering to….how can I ever be sure? I mean, ultimately, you can’t ever be totally sure, but if you feel that the honesty in your relationship is at a credible point and communication is good, one should be able to have a reasonable amount of confidence in knowing that it’s not going to happen again, if cheating is not a chronic problem.
So, not only have I been on edge, wondering what is going to set off another incident, even though I know this was “the perfect storm” of circumstances manipulated by a home-wrecking **** who planned to get us to break up so she could leave her marriage and have him, herself….but I have been trying to figure out what it is that he needs that I don’t have to give him. I appreciate him, I tell him so, often, yet he felt unappreciated. Things were bad at work at the time and I remember thinking he was acting depressed, but why I didn’t say anything to him? Mistake.
Anyway, after a couple of weeks of this, I was feeling that I had no control over the situation and like nothing I did or who I am would matter. In digging through all of this, I finally understood that if I could find reasons, even if they were my fault? It would make me feel like I had some control over the situation, whether I was responsible for anything or not, but the bottom line is that, in this case, it’s just a bunch of garbage.
He is sorry he was stupid, I didn’t have to point a gun to his head for him to say it and we are in a much better place. Neither one of us slept well that night; I was up, twice, he was up, once….it’s exhausting working through emotions, but…at least we are doing that and he isn’t telling me to just suck it up and get over it like some other husbands do. He doesn’t want me to suffer, alone.