Trust

Julieanna says “trust issues can fade.” So can the bad thing that happened, but rehashing the thing over and over and over if you are ready to move past it isn’t maybe always the best thing to do.

I agree, Julie, which is why I haven’t been broken-hearted about not getting called back by the counselor whose list we are on…I really don’t want to talk about it again and go over stuff I have already gone through; I’ve had substantial and wise support.  Another thing is that not all counselors are good counselors. (Duh.)  One woman in counseling with her husband told me the stuff her counselor wanted her to say to her husband, and I thought, “Man….that will never work.”  I just can’t say that stuff and I’ve never been into name-calling, however, I am sure I can learn if necessary.  Is it necessary? One person mentioned that trying to work through emotions in an intellectual manner is counter-productive, since the emotions never get excised.  I get that.

Not that I didn’t say couple of things, yesterday when I  freaked out;  not really so much because he was late, but because of his attitude about it when I mentioned it…I was already tense from the late thing, but the ‘tude …I am sorry.  I think this is the first time I actually shouted at him and maybe he was frightened.  No.  He doesn’t frighten easily.  Maybe he was shocked, whatever, but he did get defensive and things were snippy longer than they needed to be.  Like they ever needed to be.  Anyway, here is my thing: don’t screw up like you did and then act like I am unreasonable for being upset or I will become more upset and we learned, yesterday, that I have the ability to get loud.  Shriek, even. We didn’t know that, before.

He is sorry and contrite, he just doesn’t get there as fast as I do…but it is always worth it.  That is one of the good things about this situation is that there is new stuff happening in the way we communicate and I am more open with him than I used to be.  I am secretly (not anymore) glad, sometimes because I am so sick and tired of everyone telling me how awesome and wonderful he is and how lucky I am to have him.  Well, he isn’t perfect and he’s lucky he has a place to lay his head these days and he knows it. If we continue to communicate better and more thoroughly and attitudes continue to change, to be honest….this could turn out to be one of the best things to happen.  Almost impossible to believe, but I hear it can happen.

Anyway, my life is not going to be about The Affair, forever. In fact, it is only going to be about it until I can get it slapped back.  I have made some good progress in the past few weeks with staying in the present and not going back to revisit the crime and keep the wounds open.  I’ve already done the professional victim tour of duty with my family, already, most of whom I have fired.  This husband is worth keeping, he just needs a good telling off when he gets a little high and mighty and now that I know I can talk very loud, I am going to do that when I need to…because I sort of liked it.  Not really, let’s just say, it shook things up, considerably and tonight, we are content after addressing a few problems, a drive around the lake, a trip to Home Depot and out for dinner. I’m exhausted, but some key misconceptions were cleared up and I feel very relieved.

Two choices: heal or be crippled.  I don’t want to live feeling wronged ’til the end of my life and he’s the person I want to be with.  I’m not capable of flipping a switch to turn love off, even if it were appropriate. I guess I would rather….fight.  This time, anyway, in a different way and for a worthy cause. I can be self-righteous, bitter and right or I can be happy.

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4 Responses to Trust

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Trust « After His Affair -- Topsy.com

  2. Buckeyewife says:

    I know where you are coming from. I’ve decided mine is a keeper too. We are usually communicating much better than we used to. I think he gets tired of that, but he made this mess. My biggest problem is when he seems like he is resentful or just so dang grouchy. That’s how he was for a long time before the affair. My mind sees it as the beginning of the downward spiral. That leads to rehashing…
    We start with a new counselor in May. Our first seemed to want to focus the majority of time on ways I can change so he feels respected and wanted. I’d like the focus to be on him & how he could wreck our lives like this. What he can do in the future. How can I cope now? I know I should change things too but I had already made a decision to love him when he was unlivable (before affair). He could use lessons on being lovable and loving.
    I am so glad things are getting better for you two. You sound a lot like us. I hope things continue to go well and when you are able to move past the affair more completely, I hope you continue to write about your relationship.

    • Lyn says:

      Well, sure, it does get a little tedious, sometimes, working out the kinks, but, as you say, he built it. If he wants to stay married, there will be some discomfort in unraveling the mess and investing in your future trust of him.

      I have also had fear of his discontent, with life in general, causing him to roam, but he realized that, last week, on his own, and assured me that his love is not so transient. Yes, he screwed up, but I am his true love.

      Your first counselor sound like something from the middle of the last century. I agree that some focus needs to be on his betrayal and taking steps to prevent any possible affairs in the future. Laying the responsibility on you gets him off the hook. He also needs to devote himself to you and prove his love to you since his actions ripped that security away from underneath you and turned you, as my mom used to say, “ass over teakettle.” Way to go, counselor…kick a person when they are down. I hope you can somehow review this therapist, this warning ppl what they are walking into.

      How you can cope now is by not letting him get away with anything while remaining kind, at the same time. Try to focus on the present and that he has chosen you, be kind to yourself when you have bad days. On your good days, be happy and invest in your love for one another. Perhaps your example will help him to learn how to love and be lovable and don;lt be afraid to point out when he is cutting corners, falling short or dismissing you. You deserve better than that and if he is honest with himself, he knows it.

      Thank you for your support and encouragement, it’s most appreciated. Mostly, thank you for allowing me the privilege to share in your own journey. It is affirming and humbling. Bless,

      Lyn

  3. coralf says:

    Al Turtle has some interesting viewpoints on trust. They helped somewhat. To paraphrase him, “so now that you know people betray how do you calm the lizard”.

    http://al.turtlecounseling.com/blog/_archives/2009/12/23/4410786.html

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