Julieanna says “trust issues can fade.” So can the bad thing that happened, but rehashing the thing over and over and over if you are ready to move past it isn’t maybe always the best thing to do.

I agree, Julie, which is why I haven’t been broken-hearted about not getting called back by the counselor whose list we are on…I really don’t want to talk about it again and go over stuff I have already gone through; I’ve had substantial and wise support.  Another thing is that not all counselors are good counselors. (Duh.)  One woman in counseling with her husband told me the stuff her counselor wanted her to say to her husband, and I thought, “Man….that will never work.”  I just can’t say that stuff and I’ve never been into name-calling, however, I am sure I can learn if necessary.  Is it necessary? One person mentioned that trying to work through emotions in an intellectual manner is counter-productive, since the emotions never get excised.  I get that.

Not that I didn’t say couple of things, yesterday when I  freaked out;  not really so much because he was late, but because of his attitude about it when I mentioned it…I was already tense from the late thing, but the ‘tude …I am sorry.  I think this is the first time I actually shouted at him and maybe he was frightened.  No.  He doesn’t frighten easily.  Maybe he was shocked, whatever, but he did get defensive and things were snippy longer than they needed to be.  Like they ever needed to be.  Anyway, here is my thing: don’t screw up like you did and then act like I am unreasonable for being upset or I will become more upset and we learned, yesterday, that I have the ability to get loud.  Shriek, even. We didn’t know that, before.

He is sorry and contrite, he just doesn’t get there as fast as I do…but it is always worth it.  That is one of the good things about this situation is that there is new stuff happening in the way we communicate and I am more open with him than I used to be.  I am secretly (not anymore) glad, sometimes because I am so sick and tired of everyone telling me how awesome and wonderful he is and how lucky I am to have him.  Well, he isn’t perfect and he’s lucky he has a place to lay his head these days and he knows it. If we continue to communicate better and more thoroughly and attitudes continue to change, to be honest….this could turn out to be one of the best things to happen.  Almost impossible to believe, but I hear it can happen.

Anyway, my life is not going to be about The Affair, forever. In fact, it is only going to be about it until I can get it slapped back.  I have made some good progress in the past few weeks with staying in the present and not going back to revisit the crime and keep the wounds open.  I’ve already done the professional victim tour of duty with my family, already, most of whom I have fired.  This husband is worth keeping, he just needs a good telling off when he gets a little high and mighty and now that I know I can talk very loud, I am going to do that when I need to…because I sort of liked it.  Not really, let’s just say, it shook things up, considerably and tonight, we are content after addressing a few problems, a drive around the lake, a trip to Home Depot and out for dinner. I’m exhausted, but some key misconceptions were cleared up and I feel very relieved.

Two choices: heal or be crippled.  I don’t want to live feeling wronged ’til the end of my life and he’s the person I want to be with.  I’m not capable of flipping a switch to turn love off, even if it were appropriate. I guess I would rather….fight.  This time, anyway, in a different way and for a worthy cause. I can be self-righteous, bitter and right or I can be happy.